Leaves

Becoming a Senior

Thoughts on Becoming a Senior

A senior…I was still working in trauma counseling, mind fully occupied with administrative matters and others’ pain, thinking about what to do for lunch, when to have my hair done, keeping files in order, how my relationship was doing, when it appeared: A brown envelope containing the following message:”You qualify for Old Age Pension, beginning the month after your 65 birthday, on September 7, 2012.”

Hey. That’s means me! Wait a minute, there must be some mistake. I’m not one of THEM! Stereotypes flash into my mind:

Gray haired, slow moving, with dulled senses, decrepit, pill taking

Invisible, traffic slowing, bent over a walker,

Frugal, disapproving, fussy

Sweet old ladies; “She’s a dear.” “What an old bat!” “He’s so whiny…he’s like an old woman.”

We elderly are the cause of news hysteria:

Baby boomers are a strain on the pension and medical systems! Half will have Alzheimers in the next 25 years! There will be no resources left for those who are still in the work force when they are ready to retire!

Jokes abound. Baby boomers refuse to age gracefully. Keith Richards keeps on rocking like some animated zombie. Cher is no longer able to changer her expression, due to repeated plastic surgery. Betty White’s amazing! She’s in her 80s, but convinces young people of her coolness in a sitcom that appears to be strong on innuendo and devoid of meaningful content. Those are their choices. Good for them, if it brings them joy, and inner peace.

Fear strikes, and renders me sleepless. I wonder, who will I be if I’m not a counselor?

I resort to self-deprecation to prepare myself, and others for my dotage: “I bought some gingko for my memory, but I can’t remember to take it!” Drum roll. “I knew I was slowing down when I realized I didn’t need to add ‘1000’ to each number when counting seconds. One…two…three…where was I?”

I make sure my professional membership and insurance are up to date, so I can segue into private practice.

I don’t want to become demanding, ridiculous, needy. I imagine my children saying

“What will we do with Mom? She’s definitely losing it”; “You take her, you have an in-law suite!” Never mind that I’ve been ‘losing it’ for their entire lives, being a right brain person who notices atmosphere, beauty, colours, moods, but can’t keep track of keys.

Some of the clerks at the grocery store shout at me when I hesitate for a moment, “Do you want a BAG? The chip goes in the BOTTOM.” Hey, I know, I’m getting there. And by the way, Sweetie, gray hair doesn’t make you deaf!

But...does any of this really matter? Not really, as long as that pension keeps on coming. And even if it stops—those of us of a certain age have practical skills, and a work ethic passed on by parents who grew up during the Great Depression. They survived, and we will too!

There’s time to write and learn and enjoy the great pleasures of ‘puttering’…doing things that used to be hated chores, and taking time to do them properly and creatively. And as for beauty…it is subjective. I’m learning to appreciate the attractiveness of laugh lines, and a genuine smile.

Frankly, I am amazed how good it is to be a senior. I am so blessed to be relatively healthy and fit—tricky back aside. I don’t WANT to do therapy any more. I know who I am. It’s time for reflection, appreciation, and focusing on non-client relationships. There are some very good, younger people waiting to show what they can do. They are full of enthusiasm and dedication, and energy! They have families to support and student loans to pay off.

Speaking of blessings, I married the love of my life at 64. Marriage at this stage is not like marrying at 21. This time, we didn’t get married to complete ourselves, or in the foolish hope that we would make each other happy, meet each others’ every need, or be there—present—all the time. Heaven forbid! We know how to be comfortable in solitude and are willing to grant each other the favor of space as needed. We are able to let go of minor hurts, overlook quirks, and practice courtesy. 

I get to paint every day if I want to! Again, not with the goal of selling paintings or to gain others’ approval, but for the sensual enjoyment of spreading paint on canvas, and watching the beginnings of a style emerge—my own visual language.  Companionship is sweet; family is all the more precious because of the infrequency of our visits.

With age, often, comes an attitude shift toward gratitude. It’s not important how the rest of the world assesses me; I am responsible to my faith and my own principles.

May all the days that still are left to me

Be spent in love and creativity.

Cautiously Entering the Writers' World

Almost 3 weeks of retirement, and mannn, I feel like I could do this forever! It's a little scary not having any other income but pensions for a couple of months, but the amount is actually decent, combining both our cheques!
I've just come back from my second Writers' Circle meeting. It's been very motivating in terms of getting my pen moving...making stabs at poetry, descriptions, stream of consciousness and assignments from "Writing the Sacred," a book I bought at a Journalling workshop a couple of years ago.
We're having some of our work 'published,' i.e. photocopied and bound, and presented to the public. I really hope the title doesn't immediately alert prospective viewers that we're a very amateur group. There is some talent in the room...
Tonight I'm defrosting pizza for dinner. It's really great to be in lazy mode...or should I say 'living creatively!'
Some hard physical work would be good though, one of these days.
Yawn,
:-)

I am doing my best to avoid getting swept up in the political arguments, demonizings, dogmatizing and other craziness preceding the American election. No doubt this is part of a learning, refining process.
The far left seems to be focused on the illegal (I imagine) assassination of a man who was tried and found guilty by the press and popular opinion. The far right is focused on the business acumen of a man who evidently (who knows, really???) is a tax dodger and a man who outsources employment to sweat shops in China and India, and hides millions in Europe.
All this is to be expected, and part of the political process. What really bothers me the most is the alliance of right wing fundamentalist 'Christianity' with the republicans. The VP hopeful is an admitted fan of Ayn Rand, well known for her recommendations of selfishness, independence, and total disregard  for the well-being of others, especially the weak and the poor. How does this bear ANY resemblance to the teachings of Christ? So many of the 'christian' Americans i meet online seem to believe in the American constitution as much as, or more than the Sermon on the Mount.
Ahh, I feel better. Blogs are so good for ranting.

So here we are, and another year has slipped away. Retirement is really close now--12 more actual days, 8 more work days! I am about 85% excited, looking forward to a new phase, with its accompanying adventures, and 15% apprehensive. There will be less money coming in, but I have a lovely partner who helps with Everything, including keeping heat costs down by providing and burning wood, and keeps repair costs down by doing most of it himself.
We'll have to stop going out to eat so often. I've been squirreling away money, canned goods and other staples for those lean months: October and November, before my first GIC matures.
How will the days look?
Well...on weekends I tend to catch up on cleaning and laundry, do a little baking, and then happily putter and read. I guess I'll be doing more of the same, as well as making more of an effort in relationships, and maybe take a course or two at the local Resource Center.
Of course there's painting, and other creative endeavours. It would be good to find a market for some of it, so we can free up some space, and buy more art supplies. Our dream is to have a studio and gallery/shop. One day!!
And there's the Kindle! Thanks Janna :-) I just downloaded Ken Follet's second in the Pillars of the Earth series. I found I missed the people I encountered in the first book, and the second was available on Kindle, so now I have it! I love the immediate gratification of acquiring books this way.

A year later...things change!

So...here it is, a year later, and I decided on the main direction of my retirement!
I got married :-) The old 'roommate' showed up again and proposed, and I accepted.
So my house is now our house, and we are planning to stay here as long as we can manage the expenses and the work.
Life just turns out beautifully sometimes.

Counting down

I just got back from a visit with my banker. When it comes to finances, and projections for the future, reality bites!

I've been talking about all the thoughts I've had about what I want to do when i retire, but now it's getting to be time to get serious and have a hard, cold look at them.

It would be really nice to just stay where I am and putter in the yard--take the occasional trip to see family, and travel to some exotic destination once a year.

The nice lady at the bank seemed to think that was possible, altho I could tell she was shocked that I won't be getting any retirement benefits from my workplace. So...how could it happen??
A lonnng amortization period, with a small mortgage payment. Sounds good, but stuff happens. I could have a septic system failure (thousands!)...a tree could fall on my house, or another bug could kill several of the remaining trees the pine beetle didn't get, and I'd be paying a logger to cut them down.

Another option is selling my house and buying a mini Wini...fun, adventure! Minimal expense. Sounds great, but it could be lonely. Maybe I could sell my house and rent an apartment, or buy a cheap 4-plex or duplex. A trailer? Hmmm....i'd be just as happy with the mini Wini, i think.

Or...I could renovate my basement, make it into a suite and rent it out. Ms.Banker was really keen on this option. It would mean borrowing some money, after all! Or, I could find the perfect roommate who likes to garden, pays all his/her bills on time, and doesn't leave a mess in the living room. Does such a person exist? Yeah, but that one didn't work out.

I guess marriage is a possibility, altho at my age it seems extremely unlikely, unless as some witty widow in this little town suggested, I find an elderly gentleman who's in need of 'a nurse or a purse.'

Last but most likely, I could continue working. That's a bundle of options to contemplate too. I could try private practice out of my home, or maybe renting an office space a couple of nights a week at YCS, or somewhere else. Really, the more ideas I come up with the more decisions there are to make! I could work as a desk clerk or a grocery clerk, or maybe a library assistant for part of the year, assuming anyone was looking for employees anywhere! Or...who knows what the future holds? My mind is boggled...to be continued.